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Energizer Bunny Admits:
“I have a cocaine problem”
The Energizer
Bunny has finally admitted to
what everyone
already knew—he has a serious
substance abuse
addiction.
“I want to
apologize to my family, my friends,
and that guy at
the rest area bathroom. I have
lost my battle
with drugs and can now blame
them for every
bad thing I’ve ever done.”
Following
an intervention staged by best friends
The Maytag
Repairman and former lover the
Brawny Tissue
Guy, the E.B. checked into pricey
Hazeldon
Treatment Facility in Minnesota, joining
other prominent
advertising icons and cartoon
figures,
including The Jolly Green Giant (nitrous
oxide), Speedy
Gonzalez (methamphetamine),
Aunt Jemima
(alcohol), Magilla Gorilla (alcohol)
and The Hulk
(rage-ahol-ism).
Treatment
consists of staying out of the public
eye for a few
weeks living a spa lifestyle,
and, while
you’re in, meeting great new drug
connections.
Mr Bunny
will, in accordance with Hazeldon
Treatment
guidelines, have a roommate to assist
in the
transition to sobriety. Interestingly, his new
roommate will
be Britney Spears’ hair, recently
shorn from her
addled little head. A follicle test
confirmed the
presence of 134 known stimulants,
hallucinogenics, depressants, and painkillers in
the tawny brown
remnants of the pop queen’s
once-admired
locks.
Florida To
Do Away With
Property
Taxes, Shift
Burden
To Renters
In a move that
says volumes about the day
and age we live
in, the Florida Legislature,
led by
Republican (they’re the Evil Ones) House
leader Marco
Rubio of Miami, has suggested
ending the tax
on homeowners, instead
relying on a
highest-in-the-nation sales tax,
effectively
letting the most able economically
off the hook
for all the services they get from
the State of
Florida. Rubio even mentioned
second-home
owners as “suffering the most.”
Yeah, it
must be rough agonizing over
when to leave
your great job and family to
take a month
off and have a good time in the
Sunshine State
with some bimbo.
But
don’t worry—there’s a plan in place
for those who
rent, said Rubio.
“First,
they’ll be rounded up using
information
from snitches. Then renters will
be locked in
secured trains and transported
via rail to
labor and internment camps,
where they will
work 16 hours a day moving
piles of cash
for the super-rich while they
think about
what they’ve done—you know,
their failure
to inherit a bunch of money and
buy a house.
They were too busy having a
good time at
their low-paying service
industry jobs
and wasting their money on
food, and now
they must suffer.”
“When
they are too weak or old or
depressed to
stack money, they will be
‘put down’ by
the same team that handled
the Barbaro
case. It’s a Solution, and there
is the added
benefit of there being a
Finality to
it.”
Thank God
that the well-to-do are finally
getting taken
care of, and how reassuring
to know that
this only the beginning of a ride
that will end
up with 10% of the population
controlling 90%
of the wealth while everyone
else lives like
animals. That’ll be an
awesome country
and a huge improvement
over that
stupid old middle-class model that
held us back
all those years.
How can
this be?
Renters
don’t vote, and, more
importantly,
don’t have lobbyists.
Funny thing
The guy
who wanted Anna Nicole’s dead BODY gets her live BABY, while the
guy who wanted her BABY gets her BODY!
CELEBRITY
GRAVEROBBING TRIAL BOMBSHELL:
“She’s got Bette Davis’ Eyes!”
Flora
McCatchell, of Asheville, NC, was convicted of defiling the corpse
of beloved Hollywood leading lady Bette Davis by breaking into her
mausoleum and stealing her peepers. The human-organ-trafficking
prosecution has uncovered many missing body parts of the famed,
including Tony Bennett’s heart, found in a San Francisco bus locker,
the face from Billy Idol’s “Eyes Without A Face” (which also
appeared in ‘Silence of the Lambs’ as the skin worn by Anthony
Hopkins’ Hannibal Lecter during the escape scene), Heather Mills
McCartney’s lower leg, and most of the early Joan Rivers, and bits
and pieces of Cher, long-since replaced.
Ms
McCatchell faces a fity dollar fine and a stern talking-to from the
judge.
JetBlue
Issues Guidelines
For
Passenger Treatment
“New Bill of Rights Maybe Not
So
Good” Says Industry Insider
NEW
JETBLUE BILL OF RIGHTS
1)
You have the right to
shut the fuck up
2) Spread your cheeks and lift your
balls
3) More peanuts? More peanuts?
Vinny,
Bruno, get over here…
4)
Eat tarmac, bitch!
5)
Take off your shoes.
Now take off your
feet—you heard me!
6)
Yo, Skidmarks, put
your boxers away
your own damn self.
7)
Do I smell marijuana,
Mr. Vick?
8)
This is O’Hare. You
will die here.
9)
Next the Skycap will
insert HIS finger…
10 Waterboarding needed at Gate 12!
How Many
US Deaths In
Iraq? Says
Bush: Five
Thousand
Seems Like a
Good Round
Number
President Bush
has sent a human budget to
Congress
requesting that the number of US
military deaths
in Iraq be raised to 5000 by
the time he
leaves office in two years. “When
we hit that
milestone the Iraqis will quit their
centuries-old
infighting and embrace a form
of government
they’ve never known or even
desired. More
importantly, there will be a
Democrat coming
into the White House, and
that person
will get the blame.”
Fox News
confirmed that any Democrat
elected
President in 2008 will be labeled as
‘the person
responsible for losing Iraq.’ “The
board will be
set for 2012,” laughed Bill
O’Reilly as he
discussed the plot in detail.
“Even though
the invasion was the brainchild
of the
far-right coffeeklatsch that took over in
2000 and even
though they said it was going
to be easy (and
cheap) and even though they
bungled it
badly, we’ll do the usual smear
and spin thing
we’ve perfected to make
whoever fixes
the mess look weak. Jeb
in oh-twelve!”
Sean
Hannity added: “There is no way
Iraq won’t be
de facto split in three parts in a
few more
months—the very thing we have
been supposedly
been against. But it will be
okay while Bush
in is office, then, when there’s
more trouble
later, like with Kurdistan being the
only together
place and Turkey and the Shias
and Sunnis
hating them for that, for instance,
it will be
unacceptable and the Left’s fault.
There’s so many
things can and will go wrong
but it won’t be
Bush’s blame any more, don’t
you see? Quite
frankly, we’re making this up
as we go.”
Atlanta Poison Center Uses
“Gilmore Girls” tapes to help
patients
vomit up dangerous fluids
The Greater
Atlanta Poison Treatment Center
has started
using tapes of the popular TV show
“Gilmore Girls”
to induce vomiting in people who
accidentally
ingest life-threatening chemicals.
“We find
the insipid plotting, cutesy dialogue,
and stupid
situations really get a good puke flow
going, a deep
violent retching that purges even
those parts of
the intestines furthest along the
gastrointestinal tract.” Said Center Director Dr.
Rebecca
DeMornay.
“The gay
character’s ‘insights’ (‘a baby shower?
Does everyone
wear baby clothes?’) alone have
saved dozens of
lives.”
Cheney
Assassination Plot Fails;
VP
Hunts Down Those Who
Planned
It, Killing Hundreds
Not since the
famed 1944 von Stauffenberg bombing
of Hitler’s
Wolf’s Lair has a failed assassination attempt
resulted in
such a high retributitive death toll. Even as
others were
brushing the dust off their uniforms,
Cheney had
armed himself with a couple 40 mm
cannons, a
hand-held mortar, two Colt .45s, a hunting
knife,
flamethrower, and a thin strand of piano wire and
headed into the
hills outside Kandahar. Under cover
of darkness,
face cloaked with blood from hyenas
freshly
strangled, the Vice President went on a
violent rampage
that reminded older Afghans of
Rambo’s
memorable assault in the epic film
“First Blood
II.”
“There
were heads and limbs everywhere.
By midnight the
living envied the suicide bomber
who exploded
outside the gates of the base where
Cheney was
quartered.” Said a grim Akmed Faisal
Akmed, of South
Kandahar Heights. “He didn’t just
kill the men,
but their women and children, parents
and
grandparents, even old teachers or mullahs,
even bayoneting
little babies while he frothed at
the mouth and
screamed maniacally. Allah Himself
will have
trouble sorting out the pieces. May God
have mercy on
all our souls who were stupid
enough to take
on the ‘Chainsaw’. I mean, we
mujadiheen are
nuttier than a squirrel’s cheeks in
Autumn, but
even we were amazed at his barbarism.”
You must
hate him, eh?
“Oh no
we love the Chainsaw! Him and Boosh
crazy like us!”
Stateside, anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan
laughed: “That
took me back.”
I like
my Bluetooth—not the personal electronic gadget, but my abscessed
bicuspid that I never floss, brush or clean…
I’m so
poor I don’t leave
a carbon
footprint, I leave
a
carbon toeprint
not my best
work
Discretionary Income
“I’d like to
speak with the executive general manager.”
“I’m the
executive general manager. How can I help you?”
“I don’t feel
properly thanked.”
“Whaaaa?
Whatsoever do you mean?”
“I mean, we
live in a very strict time economywise, and only the most efficient
and strongest survive. And me as a consumer feel I should be thanked
more for my purchase.”
“Everyone
didn’t thank you? Not my assistant executive general manager?”
“Yes, he did.”
“Not the
Associate General Manager? Or his Pers Ass?”
“They all
thanked me profusely.”
“So who didn’t?
The sales associate who pointed out your low-budget ass-featuring
un-stone-washed-hippy-fat-keister Levis?”
“No, she did.”
“The cashier?”
“No.”
“The underpaid
shift manager?”
“No, they both
thanked me too.”
“His asexual
pony-tailed supervisor didn’t thank you?”
“He licked
between my toes.”
“As is company
policy. So what’s the problem?”
“Your plastic
bag.”
“Our BAG?”
“Yes, your
bag.”
“Which…”
“What you place
the items that I buy in. It failed to adequately thank me, and let
me tell you, I have discretionary income, and I will NOT return here
if my every conceivable desire both ridiculous and non-ridiculous
shan’t be sated.”
“But our bag
says ‘thank you’ not once but twice.”
“Look at this
bag of the store down the street, sir, if you dare.”
“I, I, …can’t…”
“Of course
not—it’s your shame and punishment. A plastic ‘to go’ bag that
thanks the purchaser a mere once or twice versus a whole bag-side
full of ‘thank-you’s.’ That’s much more important than cost,
quality, or location.”
“Thanks I guess
for the lesson in modern economics.”
“DISCRETIONARY
INCOME!”
“I feel bad
about stuff….”
“You’re fired!”
“Um, okay, all
right, um, bye.”
“Ha ha ha!”
tv
review
STANDOFF:
FOX SUNDAY NIGHT
VS.
NBC Thursday Night
Sadly enough,
given the reality surrounding the costs of scripted (expensive)
vis-à-vis “unscripted” (cheap) programming, we are in an end-game of
TV reviews….five (maybe?) years from now (now=2007) a Quicken
program will determine what airs on free, basic, unbasic, or
pay-per-view…the lowest common denominator will prevail and some of
us will look back fondly on the brilliance we enjoyed on shows like
The Simpsons, Seinfeld, Frasier, Cheers, M*A*S*H, All In The Family,
Bob Newhart, Mary Tyler Moore, Dick van Dyke, Danny Thomas, Uncle
Miltie, and of course the Queen of Comedy Lucille Ball, with a
little Johnny Carson thrown in…
Fox
Sunday Night has two GREAT shows. The indefatigable (incapable of
being fatigued) Simpsons, creeping up on the all-time Longest
Series Title (hey Gunsmoke, hey Bonanza, how do you like me NOW?!?),
and the uproarious Family Guy….”what kind of a sick mind would find
that amusing” –FG newscaster
Up
Against:
NBC
Thursday Night has four shows of middling mediocrity….not that their
predecessors (besides most Seinfelds) were above reproach ever, but
you smile during “Earl,” and during “The Office” you smile, and
“Scrubs” is well done, better than most, and finally “30 Rock”,
which is intelligent with a lot of Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey, and
also good but not yet great, especially Tracey Morgan’s third…. do
you ever bust out laffin’? I didn’t think so…Neither do I…
THE
WINNER IS:
FOX
Sunday Night….
Despite the
ever-changing, ever-“no, not this, sorry,” OTHER three
sitcoms---King of the Hill, War At Home, Dearly Departed (with Brad
Garrett?), American Dad, et al, mixed in between the meat
(Simpsons) and potatoes (Family Guy), the breathtaking breadth and
bankable wit of The S’s and ‘FG’ carry the day. Saw a new Simpsons
last night (Cletus’ kids work for Krusty) that was as good as any
episode EVER! I mean, as good as any of the Conans etc. This series
is the best in television history, the Tiger Woods of episodic
comedy.
And we
all hate Fox News but give this organization its props: One half is
Dr Jekyll, and the other half Mr Hyde, but between the two, they
ARE, THE modern situation comedy/or other prime time pioneers…other
‘losers’ include the Chris Elliot Show, The X-Files, and the classic
‘Married With Children’… (remember…anyone…am I alone here…does
anyone remember the 90’s? Heellloooooo???? Living In Color?)….
America? Does anyone even recall the Bernie Mac Show? It was just
two years ago! Help! HELP!
Sting, The
Police, Re-unite,
Expect to
Make Billions;
David Lee
Roth Rejoins Van
Halen,
Hopes to Earn Millions;
Bowser, from Sha Na
Na, buys condo
in Assisted Living
Facility, Wants to
Save Hundreds;
MC Hammer Gets Offer
on Platelets:
12 bucks; K
Fed finds penny!!
Good News:
US GI’s at tacky
Walter
Reed Outpatient
FacilityTo Be Moved;
The Bad
News? They’re Getting
Transferred to the rat-infested
Taco
Bell/KFC in New York City
L
These
Bitter Times
Voted off
the island, asked to leave the house, and didn’t get enough votes
ON-LINE POLL
Who’s
responsible for my
Wretched poverty?
a—my parents
b—my college
c—my bosses
d—society
e---a
capitalist system that crushes my artistic spirit so it can sell me
armpit stick
f----other
To respond,
take a picture of your answer,
turn it into
reproducible digital transmissions
broad band to
me,
jefftydeman@atlanticbb.net
I’ll save to my
hard drive, and forget all about
them. It’s just
THAT simple!
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