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    Energizer Bunny Admits:

  “I have a cocaine problem”

The Energizer Bunny has finally admitted to

what everyone already knew—he has a serious

substance abuse addiction.

    “I want to apologize to my family, my friends,

and that guy at the rest area bathroom. I have

lost my battle with drugs and can now blame

them for every bad thing I’ve ever done.”

    Following an intervention staged by best friends

The Maytag Repairman and former lover the

Brawny Tissue Guy, the E.B. checked into pricey

Hazeldon Treatment Facility in Minnesota, joining

other prominent advertising icons and cartoon

figures, including The Jolly Green Giant (nitrous

oxide), Speedy Gonzalez (methamphetamine),

Aunt Jemima (alcohol), Magilla Gorilla (alcohol)

and The Hulk (rage-ahol-ism).

     Treatment consists of staying out of the public

eye for a few weeks living a spa lifestyle,

and, while you’re in, meeting great new drug


     Mr Bunny will, in accordance with Hazeldon

Treatment guidelines, have a roommate to assist

in the transition to sobriety. Interestingly, his new

roommate will be Britney Spears’ hair, recently

shorn from her addled little head. A follicle test

confirmed the presence of 134 known stimulants,

hallucinogenics, depressants, and painkillers in

the tawny brown remnants of the pop queen’s

once-admired locks.



Florida To Do Away With

  Property Taxes, Shift

    Burden To Renters

In a move that says volumes about the day

and age we live in, the Florida Legislature,

led by Republican (they’re the Evil Ones) House

leader Marco Rubio of Miami, has suggested

ending the tax on homeowners, instead

relying on a highest-in-the-nation sales tax,

effectively letting the most able economically

off the hook for all the services they get from

the State of Florida. Rubio even mentioned

second-home owners as “suffering the most.”

      Yeah, it must be rough agonizing over

when to leave your great job and family to

take a month off and have a good time in the

Sunshine State with some bimbo.

       But don’t worry—there’s a plan in place

for those who rent, said Rubio.

       “First, they’ll be rounded up using

information from snitches. Then renters will

be locked in secured trains and transported

via rail to labor and internment camps,

where they will work 16 hours a day moving

piles of cash for the super-rich while they

think about what they’ve done—you know,

their failure to inherit a bunch of money and

buy a house. They were too busy having a

good time at their low-paying service

industry jobs and wasting their money on

food, and now they must suffer.”

       “When they are too weak or old or

depressed to stack money, they will be

‘put down’ by the same team that handled

the Barbaro case. It’s a Solution, and there

is the added benefit of there being a

Finality to it.”

      Thank God that the well-to-do are finally

getting taken care of, and how reassuring

to know that this only the beginning of a ride

that will end up with 10% of the population

controlling 90% of the wealth while everyone

else lives like animals. That’ll be an

awesome country and a huge improvement

over that stupid old middle-class model that

held us back all those years.

       How can this be?

       Renters don’t vote, and, more

importantly, don’t have lobbyists.


Funny thing

The guy who wanted Anna Nicole’s dead BODY gets her live  BABY, while the guy who wanted her BABY gets her BODY! 




             “She’s got Bette Davis’ Eyes!”

Flora McCatchell, of Asheville, NC, was convicted of defiling the corpse of beloved Hollywood leading lady Bette Davis by breaking into her mausoleum and stealing her peepers. The human-organ-trafficking prosecution has uncovered many missing body parts of the famed, including Tony Bennett’s heart, found in a San Francisco bus locker, the face from Billy Idol’s “Eyes Without A Face” (which also appeared in ‘Silence of the Lambs’ as the skin worn by Anthony Hopkins’ Hannibal Lecter during the escape scene), Heather Mills McCartney’s lower leg, and most of the early Joan Rivers, and bits and pieces of Cher, long-since replaced.

       Ms McCatchell faces a fity dollar fine and a stern talking-to from the judge.





   JetBlue Issues Guidelines

    For Passenger Treatment

     “New Bill of Rights Maybe Not

    So Good” Says Industry Insider


1)     You have the right to shut the fuck up

2)  Spread your cheeks and lift your balls

3)  More peanuts? More peanuts? Vinny,

           Bruno, get over here…

4)       Eat tarmac, bitch!

5)       Take off your shoes. Now take off your

                     feet—you heard me!

6)       Yo, Skidmarks, put your boxers away

         your own damn self.

7)       Do I smell marijuana, Mr. Vick?

8)       This is O’Hare. You will die here.

9)       Next the Skycap will insert HIS finger…

10 Waterboarding needed at Gate 12!




How Many US Deaths In

Iraq? Says Bush: Five

Thousand Seems Like a

Good Round Number

President Bush has sent a human budget to

Congress requesting that the number of US

military deaths in Iraq be raised to 5000 by

the time he leaves office in two years. “When

we hit that milestone the Iraqis will quit their

centuries-old infighting and embrace a form

of government they’ve never known or even

desired. More importantly, there will be a

Democrat coming into the White House, and

that person will get the blame.”

      Fox News confirmed that any Democrat

elected President in 2008 will be labeled as

‘the person responsible for losing Iraq.’ “The

board will be set for 2012,” laughed Bill

O’Reilly as he discussed the plot in detail.

“Even though the invasion was the brainchild

of the far-right coffeeklatsch that took over in

2000 and even though they said it was going

to be easy (and cheap) and even though they

bungled it badly, we’ll do the usual smear

and spin thing we’ve perfected to make

whoever fixes the mess look weak. Jeb

in oh-twelve!”

       Sean Hannity added: “There is no way

Iraq won’t be de facto split in three parts in a

few more months—the very thing we have

been supposedly been against. But it will be

okay while Bush in is office, then, when there’s

more trouble later, like with Kurdistan being the

only together place and Turkey and the Shias

and Sunnis hating them for that, for instance,

it will be unacceptable and the Left’s fault.

There’s so many things can and will go wrong

but it won’t be Bush’s blame any more, don’t

you see? Quite frankly, we’re making this up

as we go.”


    Atlanta Poison Center Uses

  “Gilmore Girls” tapes to help

patients vomit up dangerous fluids

The Greater Atlanta Poison Treatment Center

has started using tapes of the popular TV show

“Gilmore Girls” to induce vomiting in people who

accidentally ingest life-threatening chemicals.

     “We find the insipid plotting, cutesy dialogue,

and stupid situations really get a good puke flow

going, a deep violent retching that purges even

those parts of the intestines furthest along the

gastrointestinal tract.” Said Center Director Dr.

Rebecca DeMornay.

“The gay character’s ‘insights’ (‘a baby shower?

Does everyone wear baby clothes?’) alone have

saved dozens of lives.”


Cheney Assassination Plot Fails;

   VP Hunts Down Those Who

   Planned It, Killing Hundreds

Not since the famed 1944 von Stauffenberg bombing

of Hitler’s Wolf’s Lair has a failed assassination attempt

resulted in such a high retributitive death toll. Even as

others were brushing the dust off their uniforms,

Cheney had armed himself with a couple 40 mm

cannons, a hand-held mortar, two Colt .45s, a hunting

knife, flamethrower, and a thin strand of piano wire and

headed into the hills outside Kandahar. Under cover

of darkness, face cloaked with blood from hyenas

freshly strangled, the Vice President went on a

violent rampage that reminded older Afghans of

Rambo’s memorable assault in the epic film

“First Blood II.”

       “There were heads and limbs everywhere.

By midnight the living envied the suicide bomber

who exploded outside the gates of the base where

Cheney was quartered.” Said a grim Akmed Faisal

Akmed, of South Kandahar Heights. “He didn’t just

kill the men, but their women and children, parents

and grandparents, even old teachers or mullahs,

even bayoneting little babies while he frothed at

the mouth and screamed maniacally. Allah Himself

will have trouble sorting out the pieces. May God

have mercy on all our souls who were stupid

enough to take on the ‘Chainsaw’. I mean, we

mujadiheen are nuttier than a squirrel’s cheeks in

Autumn, but even we were amazed at his barbarism.”

      You must hate him, eh?

       “Oh no we love the Chainsaw! Him and Boosh 

crazy like us!”

        Stateside, anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan

laughed: “That took me back.”


I like my Bluetooth—not the personal electronic gadget, but my abscessed bicuspid that I never floss, brush or clean…


  I’m so poor I don’t leave

a carbon footprint, I leave

      a carbon toeprint


not my best work

Discretionary Income

“I’d like to speak with the executive general manager.”

“I’m the executive general manager. How can I help you?”

“I don’t feel properly thanked.”

“Whaaaa? Whatsoever do you mean?”

“I mean, we live in a very strict time economywise, and only the most efficient and strongest survive. And me as a consumer feel I should be thanked more for my purchase.”

“Everyone didn’t thank you? Not my assistant executive general manager?”

“Yes, he did.”

“Not the Associate General Manager? Or his Pers Ass?”

“They all thanked me profusely.”

“So who didn’t? The sales associate who pointed out your low-budget ass-featuring un-stone-washed-hippy-fat-keister Levis?”

“No, she did.”

“The cashier?”


“The underpaid shift manager?”

“No, they both thanked me too.”

“His asexual pony-tailed supervisor didn’t thank you?”

“He licked between my toes.”

“As is company policy. So what’s the problem?”

“Your plastic bag.”

“Our BAG?”

“Yes, your bag.”


“What you place the items that I buy in. It failed to adequately thank me, and let me tell you, I have discretionary income, and I will NOT return here if my every conceivable desire both ridiculous and non-ridiculous shan’t be sated.”

“But our bag says ‘thank you’ not once but twice.”

“Look at this bag of the store down the street, sir, if you dare.”

“I, I, …can’t…”

“Of course not—it’s your shame and punishment. A plastic ‘to go’ bag that thanks the purchaser a mere once or twice versus a whole bag-side full of ‘thank-you’s.’ That’s much more important than cost, quality, or location.”

“Thanks I guess for the lesson in modern economics.”


“I feel bad about stuff….”

“You’re fired!”

“Um, okay, all right, um, bye.”

“Ha ha ha!”


tv review


                       FOX SUNDAY NIGHT


                      NBC Thursday Night

Sadly enough, given the reality surrounding the costs of scripted (expensive) vis-à-vis “unscripted” (cheap) programming, we are in an end-game of TV reviews….five (maybe?) years from now (now=2007) a Quicken program will determine what airs on free, basic, unbasic, or pay-per-view…the lowest common denominator will prevail and some of us will look back fondly on the brilliance we enjoyed on shows like The Simpsons, Seinfeld, Frasier, Cheers, M*A*S*H, All In The Family, Bob Newhart, Mary Tyler Moore, Dick van Dyke, Danny Thomas, Uncle Miltie, and of course the Queen of Comedy Lucille Ball, with a little Johnny Carson thrown in…


       Fox Sunday Night has two GREAT shows. The indefatigable (incapable of being fatigued)  Simpsons, creeping up on the all-time Longest Series Title (hey Gunsmoke, hey Bonanza, how do you like me NOW?!?), and the uproarious Family Guy….”what kind of a sick mind would find that amusing” –FG newscaster


       Up Against:


       NBC Thursday Night has four shows of middling mediocrity….not that their predecessors (besides most Seinfelds) were above reproach ever, but you smile during “Earl,” and during “The Office” you smile, and “Scrubs” is well done, better than most, and finally “30 Rock”, which is intelligent with a lot of Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey, and also good but not yet great, especially Tracey Morgan’s third…. do you ever bust out laffin’? I didn’t think so…Neither do I…




      FOX Sunday Night….


Despite the ever-changing, ever-“no, not this, sorry,”  OTHER three sitcoms---King of the Hill, War At Home,  Dearly Departed (with Brad Garrett?), American Dad,  et al, mixed in between the meat (Simpsons) and potatoes (Family Guy), the breathtaking breadth and bankable wit of The S’s and ‘FG’  carry the day. Saw a new Simpsons last night (Cletus’ kids work for Krusty) that was as good as any episode EVER! I mean, as good as any of the Conans etc. This series is the best in television history, the Tiger Woods of episodic comedy.

      And we all hate Fox News but give this organization its props: One half is Dr Jekyll, and the other half Mr Hyde, but between the two, they ARE, THE modern situation comedy/or other prime time pioneers…other ‘losers’ include the Chris Elliot Show, The X-Files, and the classic ‘Married With Children’… (remember…anyone…am I alone here…does anyone remember the 90’s? Heellloooooo???? Living In Color?)…. America? Does anyone even recall the Bernie Mac Show? It was just two years ago! Help! HELP!


Sting, The Police, Re-unite,

 Expect to Make Billions;

David Lee Roth Rejoins Van

Halen, Hopes to Earn Millions;

Bowser, from Sha Na Na, buys condo

in Assisted Living Facility, Wants to

Save Hundreds; MC Hammer Gets Offer

on Platelets: 12 bucks;  K Fed finds penny!!


Good News: US GI’s at tacky

   Walter Reed Outpatient

     FacilityTo Be Moved;

The Bad News? They’re Getting

Transferred to the rat-infested

Taco Bell/KFC in New York City L


These Bitter Times

   Voted off the island, asked to leave the house, and didn’t get enough votes



Who’s responsible for my

   Wretched poverty?

a—my parents

b—my college

c—my bosses


e---a capitalist system that crushes my artistic spirit so it can sell me armpit stick



To respond, take a picture of your answer,

turn it into reproducible digital transmissions

broad band to me,

I’ll save to my hard drive, and forget all about

them. It’s just THAT simple!



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